At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I put the hot in psychotic.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.