Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Always
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.