I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
bad news gang
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
BRAKING NEWS!!