NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.