ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her