[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Did I do this right
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses