My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”