These dogs look like they have good credit.
You Might Also Like
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.