My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
You Might Also Like
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
never compromise your values
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If only
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.