I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.