My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
next level snooze
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock