Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..