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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.