Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer