Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When I laugh on my period
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Found the job I’m suited for
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.