If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.