For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon