Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing