GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
58.