I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*