Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets