I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them