Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The Backseat Boys
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?