Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead