[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Thursday
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?