THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
12653.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]