Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”