[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”