7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Siri: Retweet me.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I created you as mosquito food.