Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.