[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?