Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Baller is short for ballerina
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.