Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Just a bush.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.