astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
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I think this cat is broken
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone