[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
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“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”