The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
a public service announcement
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name