ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
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My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney