ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!