[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.