[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
You wish you had this many chins.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.