“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Go girl power!
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.