Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Science memes
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee