Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Lmao
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust