Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring