My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
u spoke cat all this time??????