Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
You Might Also Like
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
🤣🤣
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.