“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.