[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
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JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on