*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
こいつ天才
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.