One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
sigh
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?